My best friend growing up killed herself and it haunts me to this day.
She came to my house to watch a movie with me… She cried while we watched it. That was so strange to me because I had never actually witnessed her crying before. Anyway, after the movie was over, we went back to my room and we talked… that talking eventually turned into sex. She stayed most the night that night cuddling with me. Somewhere between when I fell asleep and when I woke up, she had left my house and killed herself. She didn’t tell me about any of this or hint at it in anyway. We had talked about smoking weed and our mutual friends that were dating… We laughed a lot. It was a great night. I never have or will understand why she left and killed herself. I hate that.
I was 16-17 when this happened, fast forward to present time and I’m 33 still thinking about it… but for a different reason tonight.
There have been so many instances in my life where I either don’t care enough or care to much and I think I’m learning to care exactly the right amount.
Often times, when I do care, I do it in the best way I know possible…. in an attempt to be helpful. I’ve given money to people with no expectations of getting it back. I’ve driven to pick my drunk ass friends up when they can’t drive home haha. I’ve generally tried to listen and be there when someone has a problem…. and it’s this last one I want to talk about.
Well, relatively recently I had made a new friend… she worked across the street from me and was a fun person to talk to. She was very bubbly on the surface and had an infectious personality. One day, I went over to her place of work to take care of my buisness and found out it was her birthday weekend. Through normal conversation I asked her what her plans were and she told me she really wanted to go to an amusement park but she didn’t have any friends that wanted to go with her… I thought that was super sad. Some time after that she left her job and I thought to myself “I’m gonna do something nice for her”….so the night she left I bought her a PlayStation (she really likes playing games). Anyway, I didn’t tell her what it was, but told her if she let me drop it off, she’d really like it. She said yes.
So I went to her house… I didn’t know much about this girl, but I knew she was someone that had always been friendly and I had always enjoyed talking to her. So when I got there and gave it to her, she was very excited, but more importantly I got to talk to her in a real life setting. After a while of talking she told me that she constantly thinks about killing herself and I hated hearing that. It made me think of my friend and how she never told me… so I did my best to listen and just understand what she was saying… why this bubbly girl would feel this way. After talking for about a half an hour she leaned into me and started crying. She explained that no one had listed to her and let her cry on their shoulder before. It made me feel good to be able to help in some small way, but more importantly, I had hoped it made her feel a little better.
Somewhere between then and now I started to care too much… which is bizarre for me because I typically don’t end up attempting to stay connected to someone for very long. Here’s the rub, the girl that cried to me about wanting to kill herself has kinda gone away.. and for that I’m happy. Im happy that she doesn’t feel like that anymore and I hope that, in some small way I had helped with that. I don’t really know.
What I do know is today was the first day that I didn’t care too much since I met her. She’s doing better and that’s all we can ask for the people we meet in our lives.
Today, I moved on and this little piece of writing is incredibly cathartic. I really do hope that those people that have entered my life looking for help, however brief it may have been, are doing ok.
I wasn’t able to help Amber that night… and I think that’s shaped how I’ve become as a man. Even though she felt close enough to fuck me, she didn’t feel close enough to tell me her pain or what she was going through… I failed in some way to show I was a person she could count on when she was in trouble. I really do hate that. So, even though I desperately want to stop helping and caring, I don’t know that I can. Someone else will sneak into my life and through the barriers I’ve put up and I will do everything in my power to help that person, whoever it may be.
I didn’t know much about this girl when I first met her and, frankly, I still don’t. But I am happy things have gotten better for her.
As for whoever enters my life next, I’ll be there for you…. I just really really hope you don’t come too damn soon. I need to fix my life first.